AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!
in all stores where books are sold December 2009
This article provided the inspiration for AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY! It was written in July 2006
for my column at Family Lobby. com. The response from readers was incredible. Everyone it
seems was looking for that elusive state of happiness. It made ask why was it so hard to find?
| The Elusive State of Happiness Are you happy? Neither am I. What exactly is happiness and how do we achieve it? Is it a gift we give to ourselves or is it part of a reward system? The intangible state of simply being happy is hard to find and there are no maps or GPS trackers to help us chart a course. My husband tells me I don’t allow myself to be happy. The word “allow” grates on my nerves and annoys me no end. Who doesn’t allow themselves to be happy?! I ask him. “You don’t,” he says. “Being simply happy is difficult for you and it shouldn’t be. Everyone deserves to be happy but you don’t allow it.” Stated like that, I grudgingly concede that there might be a modicum, just a very small kernel of truth, in what he says. Happiness has always been an elusive state for me. It is always “somewhere, out there” in my future. There is some truth to the statement that I don’t allow myself happiness. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy my life to an extent; it’s just that I always feel happiness is a reward for being “good.” For meeting that deadline, for losing those ten pounds, for being the good girl who does everything right. I can’t really begin to be happy until my life has met certain conditions and those conditions vary according to where I am. Home, work, leisure; every area has its own unique criteria for how and when I can be happy. I truly believe women have a harder time permitting themselves to be happy than men do. We’re people- pleasers and, while that is great for our families, our co-workers, our friends, it is not at all good for us. Unlike men, we put our happiness last on the list. This is not to imply that our males are not giving creatures; they are. But happiness seems to come easier for them than for us. Their happiness is definitely not last on their “to-do” list. Men take pleasure in small, everyday things. For some reason, women don’t, won’t, or can’t. We are too busy being “the good little girl,” who must make sure everyone around us is happy first. Or worse, we see ourselves as an “unworthy,” not deserving of happiness until certain goals, usually totally unattainable and defined by others, are met. Women fall victim to what I call the “Goldilocks Syndrome;” everything in our lives must be “just right” in order for us to be happy. Of course everything is never, “just right.” Life isn’t like that. Ask any woman who has ever been the center of attention in a public setting; a work presentation or ceremony for example. Even if everyone assures her she was fantastic, she will be the one who notices the minute mistake she made or something she forgot to do or say. Nothing is ever “just right.” How we view happiness is a prime factor in achieving it. Are we looking for ecstatic, “jumping for joy” happy? Are we saying that once a certain thing “happens” we won’t ever be unhappy again? That is fairy tale thinking. Despite whatever is going on in our lives, happiness isn’t something we should be putting “on hold” until certain “things” are right. Happiness should be attainable. It should be a feeling of satisfaction and joy for the good parts of your life and the knowledge that you are not just hanging around, waiting for something fantastic to happen. But that is exactly what I do. Making “being happy” conditional will never work. Trying to reach some unrealistic goal set by someone else won’t fly either. Conditions and other people cannot define or create happiness for us, only we can. It should be as natural a state as breathing. It should be, absolutely, but that is not how it is. What do I want? As women, what do we want? We’re twenty-first century independent women! What will make us embrace happiness as easily as we embrace other aspects of our lives? Why can’t we be happy, damn it?! By all accounts, I should be happy. I am lucky enough to do work that I truly love and to be successful at it. I’m married to a funny, wonderful man, have good friends, and a great lifestyle. So what is it that stops me from being happy? I have no idea. If happiness is an intangible state of being then, for me, it may very well be ever elusive and hidden from sight. And I don’t want that to be. I want to be happy. Quite frankly, I’m unhappy that I’m not happy. How about you? Kristen Houghton |
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